Before we had our first baby, my husband and I always wanted to have two children close together. He has a sister a year younger than he is and I have 4 younger siblings who are all around 2 years apart. As adults, we love having siblings close in age, and wanted that for our own children. I think the reality of parenting hit him harder than he expected. I noticed that in conversation, the phrase “when we have another baby…” became “IF we have another baby.” We clearly weren’t ready to have another one soon after our first was born, but I wasn’t convinced that we wanted our son to be an only child. This got me wondering – What is the best age gap between siblings?
When I originally put this post together, we were undecided on the exact timing of when we would have our second baby. Now, I am updating to account for my own experience. The advice in the post came from the world of Facebook mom groups. I asked “what is the best age gap between siblings?” and I got a wide range of answers from the moms that I talked to.
Is there a best age gap between siblings?
The short answer is that every family is different! Each age gap has pros and cons, and the timing really comes down to what works best for your family. The most common age gap that I came across was 2 to 3 years. It’s a nice gap that allows your children to be close in age without many of the difficulties that come with having two babies in your home at once.
The Age Gap in Our Family
For us, the decision came down to family timing more than sticking to our plan. Just like all other plans in life, things change! We weren’t ready to have another baby as soon as I would have thought, but we didn’t want our son to miss out on having a sibling close in age. Also, we wanted to have our second baby before we were out of baby mode completely. We ended up aiming for an age gap around 2 years between our children.
After a very early pregnancy loss, we had our daughter when our son was 2.5 years old. It ended up being a really great age for him to become an older brother. Between 2 and 2.5, he had a huge language explosion. Having those developed communication skills really helped him and I get along while we had a new baby in the house. He could tell me what he needed, and we were able to have conversations when I was stuck nursing. It helped us to stay connected while I wasn’t always able to be physically playing with him.
What is the best age gap between siblings?
Under 2 years
For some moms, getting pregnant quickly after having their first baby is a dream come true. For others, the idea of having two infants at once is a nightmare. This age gap may be for you if you want your kids to go through all of the phases of life together, if you want to move past the pregnancy and infant phase all at once, or if you’re just really excited to have another baby!
Moms loved: siblings play together well, they are interested in the same activities, parents are still in “baby mode,” reusing the baby gear all at once.
Moms didn’t love: having multiples in diapers, dealing with too many car seats at once, having to carry two babies, sibling rivalry, fighting over toys and affection, parents are stuck in “baby mode.”
2 to 3 years
This seemed to be a common age range among moms that I talked to. It’s a nice compromise that allows your kids to be close in age without having to deal with two infants at once. Your toddler will be independent enough play a little bit alone while you take care of the new baby.
Moms loved: having an older sibling who understood they are getting a baby, siblings that are still close enough to play together, having baby gear still easily accessible.
Moms didn’t love: still possibly having two in diapers, sibling rivalries, fighting.
4 to 5 years
Parents who are worried about dealing with a toddler and a baby at the same time like to wait until their first born is old enough to be self-dependent and even helpful with the new baby. This can make taking care of both children much easier.
Moms loved: the older sibling will understand and possibly help with a new baby, the older sibling needs less attention/affection.
Moms didn’t love: coordinating times with kids in different schools, the younger sibling playing “tag-along” to the older.
5 or more years
Obviously, the longer you wait, the more self-dependence you will get out of your first-born. Your oldest may be able to help you out quite a bit with the baby and household chores. This also puts your kids farther apart, and they may not have the same interests at the same time.
Moms loved: both children feeling like only children, lots of one-on-one time, the older can help with the younger, less sibling rivalry and fighting.
Moms didn’t love: Having children in the house for so long, children won’t have many common interests in childhood.
I’d love to get more moms chiming in on this one. What is the best age gap between siblings in your opinion?
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I grew up with a brother arriving at the scene 14 months after me. I always got teased and stories told about how jealous i was when i was small. I see toddlers with baby brother or sisters and feel sorry for them because they seem always cranky and needy and the moms always have a glazed look. Get my family over with? What the hell does that even mean? I had made a decision to never have children because i felt like i was always on survival mode coming from a family of 9 kids. But my “oops” came along and my 2nd planned 3 1/2 years later and my 3rd 6 years after, i realized it didnt have to be that way. I can give my kids their babyhood and regaining mine at the same time.
I enjoyed reading this!! My children have 2.5 years between them Now I look at them and wish it was an even smaller gap haha! Crazy I know x
My daughter’s are 22 months apart. Sometimes things are hard sometimes things go smoothly. Im happy they will grow up together.
However i think any age gap is just what you make of it. You can’t change whats already been done.
I come from a family with large age gaps (six to seven years!) between each kid. I’m the oldest and thirteen years older than my youngest sibling. This fostered a really close bond between my siblings and I because I was able to help care for them. However, I ended up not having any playmates growing up and not having a lot in common with my siblings. Now that I have a son we’ve decided not to have such a large gap between the kids! Two or three years is just perfect for us.
My daughter is 4 years and a day older than my son and for us this was the perfect age gap. We started trying for baby 2 before she turned 3 and I’m glad it took a little longer than expected because looking back she wasn’t ready then. She was so jealous of any baby I held. But when ours finally came along she was so excited! She loves him so much and is an excellent diaper fetcher and “baby watcher.” He adores her also, much more than he likes me or his dad. Lol now we’re thinking about adopting baby 3 and we’re aiming for the baby to arrive between 0-2 years old when our son is 4-5 years old. That way we have a few years of him being the baby and they can all still be semi close in age.
We have 5 kids over a 14 year span. The oldest 2 are 2 1/2 years apart, then 5 years between 2&3, 3 1/3 years between 3&4, then 2 3/4 between 4&5.
The 5 year gap is the worst! 2&3 have just finally learned to tolerate each other to an extent (they are 15&10!).
I was completely out of baby/toddler mode and to go back was very difficult. Dragging cranky babies along to the big kids activities was fun (not) until the oldest got his driver’s license. I would have had them closer together if I could change it. Life definitely didn’t go like we planned!
My children are 7 years apart. That wasn’t my plan but I can honestly say it worked out rather well.
My oldest is a girl and she was like a second mother to my son. I really enjoyed having my daughter to myself until she was 7 and I loved having the alone time with my son when he was in his teens and his sister was off to college. I had zero sibling rivalry. As adults, they do have some similar interests and our family is close. Again, it wasn’t planned but it turned out nicely for our family.